Maybe So…

June 15, 2009

Life Pt. 2

Filed under: Life In General,Rants — squ1r3ll @ 4:00 pm
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Pt 2 is here. Let’s begin. Are you sitting comfortably?


To start off with, fucking shopping. This is my new least favourite thing in the world. When the parents dragged me out shopping (to Wilkos, none the less) it really pissed me off. There is nothing there but shitty home furniture and food. I mean, yes, food is essential and furniture is actually not needed but if we had to live without either one of these, we would be fucked. It would be like living back in the caveman era. Then, we would probably have to rape our women because they would be too dumb to make the decision to fuck by themselves. We would also have no condoms! No condoms = lots of kids + many, many STD’s. Ok, let’s keep the food and furniture…

Another things that is pissing me off at the moment is kids. Fucking kids. By this I mean the ten years old and younger kind of kids. Anecdote for you; Today I was sitting in my relaxing spot (a tree by some tennis courts) which is normally deserted. Normally meaning that every once in a while a stoner will pass by but will never see me because nobody expects a dude to be sitting in a tree right? After being there for about an hour, some kids came next to it and started chatting shit. Like using swear words that they had just discovered. It was hilarious. Every time one of them said ‘fuck’ or ‘shit’ all of the others would piss themselves. There was about eight of them there. Enough to swamp me before I could pound them into the ground. Ten minutes later, they had started to piss me off even more. They had raised their voices and I was struggling to hear my iPod anymore. Very annoying. So I felt the need to make my opinions known as I normally do. They didn’t know that I was up there anyway so I called down ‘Shut the fuck up you little buttfuckers.’ Yeah, not the best choice of words but hey, I didn’t have long to think of anything. They literally shit themselves. It was so funny. But then they decided that it would be cool to throw rocks up at me. It wasn’t. I caught the fifth rock that they threw and lobbed it back at one of them. With gravity on my side, it hit him harder than I had wanted it to. He fell over and crawled away a bit. That was when the others stopped and tried to climb up the tree. Dumb twats. They were only small and as i have long legs it was easy for me to get up. Not the story for them though. Not one of them could get up. One threatened to call the filth (police) so I jumped down, rolled and walked away. They didn’t notice that I was gone until I was half the field away. They then knew that there was no point to chase me so they gave up and tended to their friend with the wound from my awesome throwing. The point to that story was obviously to clear my name and also to tell you all that kids really are little shits. Although you probably knew that anyway.

These Twitter train things also get on my testicles. It’s like, follow every fucking person on this motherfucking page and then you can have three more followers who don’t care about what you tweet. If people follow me, I would hope that it is either because they are interested in what I say, we know each other in real life or we have chatted before. Goddamn dickfaces!



June 14, 2009

Dumb Fuckers

Filed under: Life In General,Rants — squ1r3ll @ 10:00 am
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I have just seen a prime example of this. One of my retard mates came up to another one of my mates and burned with with a hot poker. By poker I mean tongs that you hold to burn shit with in chemistry. The burn wasn’t that bad, quite tiny really but he just kept going on about it. Pissed me off to high heavens. If, indeed there is a heaven and if it is high. Which it might not be… Anyway, all he could say was ‘Ooohhh, you burned me. I can’t believe you did that. It hurts…’ and me proceeded to show everyone in the whole fucking class this little tiny burn on his hand which doesn’t hinder him in any way shape or form. Neither or these dudes are that bad really, they’re both quite sound. Not normally that dumb or whingy.

Another one of my retard mates was trying to set up a WordPress blog solely with the WordPress app for iPhone and me and my mate who blog quite often were like ‘No mate, you have to go on the website first and register a blog so that nobody has taken the name’ but he just wouldn’t listen. He tried every password he could think of and still couldn’t get it. In the end, we just thought, fuck him and went about our business. We had tried to get through to him but we had sadly failed. I am willing to bet that he comes in tomorrow and says, I went on that WordPress site but it just gave me a shitload of wanky files. Even though we told him specifically that as he didn’t his own website, he needed the .com and not the .org WordPress site. I swear that his mind is either so full of shit that he just doesn’t get it or he has no brain cells to speak of. Maybe he’s just terminally mentally ill. (From the next day: HE DID!)

Another thing that can identify a dumb fucker is the people who have weird and decorative IM handles. The odd ❤ isn’t so bad (that doesn’t really look like a love heart) but when you get shit like /./,\.\Beast/./,\.\Boy/./,\.\ then you know exactly who you’re dealing with. A dumb ass, cretin licking, mouthbreathing retarded dipshit. Some of the people I know still do this. I wonder who…

Some fuckers are dumb because they can’t help it and that’s alright. I guess. At least these fuckers don’t drive. The dumb fuckers who drive are possibly some of the worst drivers, nay, some of the worst human beings on the Earth. You see, the ones who drive scooters with the little ‘L’ plate on the back are possibly the worst offenders. They will go on roads with speed limits that they know their little hair dryer powered shitmobile can’t match. As such, they stop us non retarded people from getting to places where we really need to be. They are also ignorant little fuckers, hence why they drive in the middle of the road. If they drove on the left hand side, normal cars could pass them and they we wouldn’t think that they were all useless twats. Also, just because you are young and you have a little sticker with a letter ‘L’ on it doesn’t mean that I’m not going to shunt your ass until you either move the fuck out of my way or you DIE!

People who go on talent shows but have fuck all talent also fall under the rather wide umbrella of dumb fuckers. Like some of the dumb old fucks that you see on Britain’s Got Talent. Example: that old motherfucker who liked to forward roll on the stage. I ranted about him on ‘The Elderly‘ post. Why must he do this? Does he think it’s funny or cool that because he is an old man he can do forward rolls on a stage with lots of scantily clad women around him. At his age, can you even still get a hard-on? I don’t think you can. Thus the women with no fear of getting busted for having a boner on stage! I know that any other man would defiantly have a raging lob on.


June 12, 2009

Slags and Sluts

Filed under: Life In General,Rants,School — squ1r3ll @ 4:00 pm
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Why do some girls feel the need to rub up against every boy they can find? I just don’t get it… Right then, these slags love to piss everyone off. They suck off girls boyfriends. Hell, they’ve probably done shit to boys girlfriends as well. It’s not even like they feel regret at all for the shit they they’ve done. Fuck no, that would be to human. They fucking love it. The hatred that everyone looks at them with. The fake apologies that they give (‘I didn’t mean to suck him off at all, it just happened’). I swear that they prepare those beforehand so that they can make them sound as fake and pathetic as possible.

Who would shag one of these filthy birds anyway? They probably have every STD under the sun. AIDS, chlamydia, gonnorrhea, you name it, they carry it. I suppose only very desperate lads would put it in their filthy holes because these dumb whores really are whores. I suppose if you paid them enough, they would flash a teacher for you.

What’s with prostitutes anyway? I mean, I know that they have to get money and shit but come on, can’t you just not go into dangerous situations and get the shit beaten out of you. If your a rent girl then at least have a nonviolent pimp or an agency looking after you until you know what to do about scoping out situations and shit. That way, you can stay safe!

I guess the phrase ‘girls just wanna have fun’ has been blown wildly our of proportion. The bitches nowadays think that fun is sleeping with any guy that they can get their hands on and it kind of makes me sick. I sort of feel sorry for the guys who they sleep with as part of their little competition. This may not be fact but I bet some have even had competitions to see how many STD’s they can get in a week and shit like that. Or how many times they can take it up the ass in a day. You know, sick shit like that. Dirty fuckers. (which, in this case, is actually true!)

I just found a wonderful quote: ‘Are we simply romantically challenged, or are we sluts?’ Well, this sums it up. No you’re not romantically challenged, you just like fucking. You could have a real relationship if you really tried. I’m sure that if you just went out with a dude for a while, you would find out that fucking isn’t everything in a relationship. You can still fuck, you don’t have to be celibate, just don’t shag five times a day. Or you could try celibacy if you felt like a very strong person. But you probably don’t. So ‘just keep on fuckin.’ Not to advocate mindless shagging and shit like that but a bit of sex once in a while never hurt anyone. Unless you’re trying out some very strange positions. Don’t. You might hurt yourself. Karma Sutra is dangerous.


Kind of a small one there but I really hate slags. There you go!

June 11, 2009

Mini Rant Pt. 1 – Women

Filed under: Life In General,Rants — squ1r3ll @ 4:20 pm
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This one will be a bit of a mini-rant I think. By that I mean just the one paragraph describing the topic at hand.

I’ll admit that women are needed for the human race to survive but that doesn’t mean they have to make it hard for the rest of us. Some women have more libido than others and as such would be more elligible for ritual fucking. If fucking was a ritual, how boring would that be? Well, at least the nerds will get laid!

If you want some extra info on my views on women, especially on tarts and slappers, check out the Slags and Sluts post (coming out soon!)

June 10, 2009

Life Pt 1

Filed under: Life In General,Rants — squ1r3ll @ 4:00 pm
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Morning, bitches. This, as you can probably tell if you have upwards of a double-digit brain cell count, is going to be a series of rants that I will do whenever I basically have nothing else to talk about. That doesn’t mean that it will shit however. These will probably be the rants that I will add to every day or so and then release them as a kind of midweek special. So, with that explained for all of the dumb fuckers out there, I shall begin…


So, fuckers. Ranting about life. This could be devilishly easy or it could be very fucking difficult. As I have just had to go through the extreme pain of having injections, this should be easier. Injections are fucking stupid. Why must I have them?If countries like Africa and shit just got their act together, we wouldn’t have to have a cum-load of injections. If we can fuck using protection then so the fuck can they. We just need to take supply balloons overhead and drop a shitload of Trojan’s and Magnum’s and shit so that don’t ass-fuck each other butterball naked. Just sheath your sword you skanky cunts. Also, drink clean water! It can’t be that fucking hard.

Another thing that is getting on mine and the whole fucking schools collective tits is how much teachers tell students to TUCK THEIR SHIRTS IN! This pisses me off to the extreme and as most people know, that’s not a good idea. If you piss me off, you’re asking for it. Some clungefaced motherfucker decided to try his luck once… He didn’t do well. Anyway, these teachers are also hypocrites to a certain degree. Sure, some of them tuck their shirts (mainly the men) but the others (women) all wear dresses and shit so they can’t practice what they preach. Dick-faces. I know that this pisses most of the school off simply because a lot of students go around with their shirts purposely untucked and whenever a teacher tells them to tuck it in, they pretend to at the front and then untuck it when the teacher has gone around the corner. I am one of these people. Mainly because teachers all piss me off. They’re all cunt-muscles really. See the teachers post for more information.

The prospect of an archenemy is a strange one. In the words of Wikipedia ‘An archenemy, archfoe, archvillain or archnemesis (sometimes spelled arch-enemy, arch-foe, arch-villain or arch-nemesis) is the principal enemy of a character in a work of fiction, often described as the hero’s worst enemy.’ Whilst this may be true, I am, as far as I am aware, not living in a world of fiction, thus realistically negating the need for me to have an archenemy. Right? Wrong. If shit goes wrong, there is always someone to blame. It could be yourself of it could be your brother or sister. Most of the time it’s you. Something you’ve said or done. Well, at least, that’s what you think. Think of a time when you feel that you have done something wrong. Now, is there any possible way in which you could have been provoked? If you smacked your brother upside the head and he ran off crying because he is a little pussy, did he call you names like shit-face, fuck-wad or cum-guzzler? Did he grass (other meanings of ‘grass:’ tell on, dob, etc.) on you? Did he spit at you or any other random shit like that? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, it wasn’t your fault. Well, not entirely. If it was you younger brother or someone younger than you then sure, you should have had the maturity to not beat the living shit out of him but I bet it was fun, right? Or at least funny? Ha! Of course it was. You loved thumping the tits off them. On the other hand, if it was someone older than you, well done for having the scrote to hand their ass to them on a silver platter. Well I hope it was silver. Or gold. Or else that would have been very disrespectful… The act of beating the wanger of them wasn’t disrespectful at all. Unless it was your Granddad. Then you’re a little cunt-muscle. Anyway, after that MASSIVE tangent, back onto the subject at hand. My nemesis. He has a fucking HUGE head and he is extremely SHORT! I like to take the piss out of him (behind his back obviously because he and his little gang of bitches would beat the living shit out of me!) for these factors. He also speaks like a total GIMP. More ammunition. I smacked him once in the changing rooms though. Left handed. Then, he had none of his cronies or even mates to back him up so he fucked off in the opposite direction like a little pussy and I remember it actually brought tears to his eyes. Tears. What a pussy. Plus the fact that I hit him with my left hand and I am right handed! Woofter.

Social gatherings are another thing that fucks me off. Parties and such. With these things, you either go or you get called socially retarded. Why though? It’s just an ego fest. You either get pissed upon by the dick-faced twats or you piss upon the dick-faced twats. Neither is a really good idea because people think that you are either a pussy for being pissed on by everyone or a dick-wad for pissing on everyone. Not literally piss by the way. Verbal piss. Oh, you know what I mean. Or you should by now.


I think that’s it for pt 1. Looking forward to pt 2? I know you are…

June 5, 2009


Filed under: Life In General,Rants — squ1r3ll @ 1:20 pm
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War. When one macho man thinks that he is a harder bitch than another macho man and he feels the need to involve his whole fucking country in his dumb ass clunge-fuck. Hitler is a great example of this. Except he felt bigger than most of the motherfucking world. All of these such people are really just cunt-balls. Some might say that war is a manly thing and one can show of ones courage and patriotism but really, it’s just a crock of shit. As you can probably tell, I am a little bit of a pacifist but I still play on war games and shit. Hypocrite, you say? Nay, nay. I just don’t like the idea of the government sending dumb ass motherfuckers into foreign countries to die for ‘their country.’ It’s just bollocks. Their lives are wasted with what could be sorted out by words, not violence (sorry to sound like a pussy but it’s true).

North Korea is being a bit of a twat lately right? Just because Kim Jung-il is ‘ronery, so ronery’ doesn’t mean that we should have to pay the price for all of his nuclear weapons and crap. I mean ‘us’ including the North Korean citizens. Unless they are supporting him. In which case, FUCK THE HELL OFF! I hope too terribly that we’re not ‘breakin my balls here Hans.’ (By the way, if anyone got the Team America reference, good on you!)

Now, onto a more normal kind of violence, (depending on where in the world you live, of course!) street fights. Nothing like the Street Fighter franchise, I mean more of the dumb ass bald English motherfuckers, fueled up on alcohol and ready to attempt to beat the shit out of the guy who made a passing comment about his clothes. Not always about his clothes, mind you. Could have been about a particularly shit baseball cap he was wearing or the fact that he was so pissed he had flopped his cock out and was beating one out. These types of people piss me off so much. All they do is piss people off just to try and massage their own ego by being ‘harder’ then someone else. Half the time, everyone at the public place that they have their fight just wants them to fuck off and die anyway so why do it in the first place. I mean, I’ve been in fights and won but that was when I was younger and less mature! I guess what I’m trying to say here is that all these cock munchers really are is just dick flopping mouthbreathers with nothing better to do on a Friday night than piss people off. Now that I think about it, that’s kind of chav mentality… SURPRISE!

Cartoon violence or violence in games is alright because it’s not really happening, even though people like to think that the minds of the youth of today are being corrupted by video games, it’s just the booze! Too much drink. Dumb fuckers. A good point is raised in the film High Fidelity where it is suggested that it’s not the films and shit that is corrupting our minds, it is the MUSIC. Not saying that music is bad as I am a musician also and I love music but stop blaming all of this shit on games and films. Don’t let your kid buy games of a certain age unless they are of that age or older or you know that they are mature enough to handle it. I mean, me and my mates play games of a higher age rating than us but, and I hate to say this, we are all mature enough to handle the content without having to go and rob cars or shoot people.

So pretty much all I’m saying is that violence is not necessary in everyday life but it is alright in films and games and music. As long as you can handle it!


June 4, 2009


Filed under: Life In General,Rants — squ1r3ll @ 9:47 pm
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I would like to think that I use fairly good grammar on a daily basis. Sure I say ‘lol’ in IM sometimes but that’s a given. The kind of thing I am talking about is where you get people who speak like ‘yh ppl wuu2 lol tbh cba brb’ and shit like that. They are mostly dumb fuckers as the people who are well spoken normally talk on IM like they do in real life. It is much easier to talk to people on-line when the do that. Most of the time the people who speak like retards are chav’s.

Everyone does it occasionally. We all use ‘brb’ from time to tell people where we are going. That doesn’t mean that we are all clunge-monkeys. Some of my mates do this and they piss me off. It’s alright if you just want to reply to a mate by saying ‘kk’ or something like that but if the ‘text speak’ is more than a few words, it gets on my bell end.

Retards who speak in tongues also fuck me off. They come up to you and say ‘yup yall right en bruv?’ and I think what a cunt muscle. A few of my classmates are these aforementioned twat-bags. Whilst I am writing this, a spanner with overly large teeth came up and asked me ‘wha u doin?’ when I specifically stated the purpose of my rant.


I think I have ran out of steam on this one also. Apologies. As my penance, I will do two today. If I can find the time to pull another one out of my arse!

June 3, 2009


Filed under: Life In General,Rants,School — squ1r3ll @ 10:04 pm
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For this rant I must firstly define some types of teachers:

  1. Great Teachers
  2. Good Teachers
  3. Crap Teachers
  4. Teachers Who Are Out To Get Students
  5. Teachers Who Are Blissfully Unaware


Ok, with those defined, I can move the fuck on. Every teacher that I have ever been taught by has had his or her own little quirk to the way that they teach, some more than others. Some have the overpowering and ‘scary’ approach where they are kind of oppressing and ‘If you don’t pay attention in my fucking class, I’ll rape the shit out of your mother!’ Which kind of fucks me off to be honest. Why do these people feel the urge to piss all over students and make them feel like shit. It’s bullying really and at my school, we have a ‘No Bullying’ policy. I think I’ll report some of the teachers to it and say that they are giving me shit that I don’t deserve.

First on the list, great teachers. Great teachers are really hard to find. They, unfortunately, are the minority. My German teacher last year was an awesome teacher. He had just the right teaching method for me and whatever he said, I would absorb and retain. Not like a fucking robot or anything, just the stuff that he taught us about German. Our maths teacher last year was also awesome. He would teach everyone the same thing and then for the less intelligent, he would take questions at the front and relate the answers to things that the student in question knows about. Then he would let us get on with it and I was one of the people who finished early so he would get the people who had finished to look up at the board and then he would give us a few hard questions to do to check that we have the basic concept down and the he would teach us a little bit extra on top of what we had just done so that we could get on with some more questions whilst the slow ones finished up. I also had a great teacher in Year 4 but I don’t remember her so much.

Now, onto good teachers. Good teachers are the ones that you learn from, but you either get a bit bored in their class because they don’t do enough to keep you glued to the lesson or they just don’t have great teaching methods. My current maths teacher is a good example of this. If he could control his class (the lesson would be more boring!) then we would learn so much more than we already do.

Oh, ho. Crap teachers. Or as I like to call them, clunge-monkeys, cunt-muscles or dickfaces. These are the hopeless ones. Some you feel sorry for as they are trying but haven’t got the nouse to realize that they suck at their job and some you just loathe because they are full of themselves but for no real reason. This is a perfect example of my ICT teacher. She thinks she is THE shit. Honestly sometimes, it scares me. She struts around the classroom going ‘Oh, that’s a lovely colour’ and ‘Oh, **** (that was a name) isn’t that wonderful.’ It sounds more condescending than it does helpful and she thinks that she is the judge, jury and executioner. She’s only a trainee teacher anyhow. She has pretty much fuck all authority. If I told her point blank to fuck off, she couldn’t do jack shit about it. But she thinks that she can. There’s not even a real teacher in the room because our actual teacher has fucked off and abandoned us for 12 months on maternity leave. A whole fucking 12 months! Fucking ridiculous. Dumb fucking clunge-munching bitch.

Teachers who are out to get students. Why in the holy name of fuck do these kinds of people get jobs in the education profession. It makes fuck all sense to me as they should really just be bodyguards or hit men or rapists or something like that. Once they have found their student to pick on, that’s it. That student’s life is over in that subject. Unless they are moving sets or something. Like me in English. Our teacher chose me to read out a poem about some dumb nigger and slavery and a limbo stick. Pissed me off that one. She only chose me because I made up some fairly obscene rhyme about limbo and she heard it. Then, afterward, she said ‘If **** (name again!) had been brave enough to read it like this, we would have had a better understanding of the true nature of the poem.’ BULL SHIT! You picked me to read it bitch, you can suck my huge, throbbing bell end. She didn’t tell me how to read it and beforehand, I even told her that I was shit at reading poetry. She was also the replacement for some other ignorant bitch who’s favourite saying was ‘I don’t lose coursework’ and then she promptly went and lost one of my mates coursework, making him re-do it all from scratch! Dumb motherfucking bitch.

The teachers who are blissfully unaware. They are mostly substitutes who, when they walk into the lesson, you think ‘Awesome, 50 mins on my iPod or on my phone. I swear that with some of them, I could wave my phone in front of their fucking face and be like “I’m texting my mate! Yay! Texting!’ and they wouldn’t say a thing! Ignorant fuckers. Sorry to end on a bit of a shit note but I don’t really have any awesome stories for this one. Except one time in a lesson, can’t remember which one but I got my iPod out and tried to find an open wifi to connect to and check my email. The teacher waltzed up to me and said ‘What are you doing then? Doesn’t seem like work to me.’ I think I ended up sprouting some bullshit about this was research and how it would benefit my coursework and she bought it dick, balls and clunge-face. It was awesome.


May 29, 2009

Men Who Care Too Much About Their Appearance

Filed under: Life In General,Rants — squ1r3ll @ 3:09 pm
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For this post, if I refer to anyone as a ‘pussy,’ ‘poof’ or any other homosexual slant, I probably mean it; so go fuck yourself.


It begins… Alright, dudes like this just piss me off. They are the kind of people who put on fucktonnes of aftershave when, let’s face it, they don’t even shave yet. They’ve got their burberry aftershave in the little bottle that they say their uncle bought for £200 in Spain. We all know it’s bull shit. In most cases, I just use some ‘resources’ to find out the name and phone number of said twat-faces uncle, give him a ring, explain who I am and ask him about it. So far, 100% of the time, the answer has been, ‘No, why did they tell you that?’ I almost feel like saying ‘Because they are a massive twat and if I were you, I would be ashamed that my brother or sister had such a mouthbreather for a child. So, the next, I will go and confront this person and say that I spoke to their uncle and the uncle in question says that it is all bullshit and they will normally say one of two things:

1) ‘Well he is a heavy drinker. He must have been drunk and forgotten.’

2) ‘What the fuck were you doing calling my uncle you pedo?’ (Makes no sense, right? Their uncle is older than me and I’m the pedo? Right then mate, go smoke some more pot.)

I guess why this happens is that the mouthbreathers really can’t smell it. All they do all day is breathe through their mouth (hence the term ‘mouthbreathers’) and look like retards so they can probably taste it but smell it. If I walk into a public place and ll I can smell is deodorant of aftershave, I tend to look around for the dumb-ass poof that could possibly be so stupid and self-conscious that he put this much shit on. It’s normally the guys with those sweeping fringes that go from one side of their head to the other. Another kind of mouthbreathing giveaway is the knobs with those really fucking stupid blond side-Mohawk type things. Like they have had a blond stupid going from the front left of their head to the back right of their head. We have all seen these extremely dumb motherfuckers because they are usually loud and cocky but really, not funny. They try to impress all of the women when everyone but them can see that all of the women either look bored by them or murderous.

I don’t mean to be mean (weird choice of words there) but these knob-shafts just don’t know when to quit. They can try and impress women all night long with their ‘witty’ banter and then if someone goes up to them and asks them politely to shut the fuck up, they will say ‘But everyone here’s enjoying it’ at which point all of the nice, polite women just laugh and the bitchy women just either fuck off without a word or say something like ‘Were we fuck’ or ‘Nah mate, your just so full of shit I couldn’t help but listen to you’. That normally wipes the smile off their stupid mouthbreathing faces. Dumb motherfuckers.


I think I kind of ran out of steam on that one. I might just do a part two sometime later on.

The Elderly

Filed under: Life In General,Rants — squ1r3ll @ 1:43 pm
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Ok just a disclaimer at the beginning of this one as I don’t mean every old person out there pisses me off, just the ones who can’t be arsed. The old dude on Britain’s Got Talent is one of these. Whilst I think he’s a bit stupid for bouncing around and doing forward rolls on a stage in front of millions of people like a little twat, at least he is not sitting in his big, comfy armchair dibbling down his front and getting his kids to wipe it up for him. My grandparents are like this; my granddad plays golf avidly; each week he goes and plays 18 holes with some mates and then goes to the clubhouse after for a drink. He also goes to football games each weekend to support his team. My nan hardly ever sits down because she loves to work. She cleans and gardens all day or goes out to do the shopping whilst my granddad is at golf or the football.


Ok, let’s begin. First order of ranting is elderly drivers. Once again, not good elderly drivers and elderly drivers that actually can go the speed limit and indicate left when they are turning left but elderly drivers who must get to a turning and think ‘Well, if I’m going right… I think this time I’ll pull the flashy stick up…’ and they will either get the correct ‘stick’ but indicate the wrong way because they are dumb fuckers, indicate the correct direction and then turn in that direction (always praise the lord when miracles like that shit happen) or you will mysteriously see their windscreen wipers start going and then when the clunge-eating bum-fuckers realise that they have started their wipers, they will try to turn them off. This is where they always make them go faster before they figure out how to turn them off completely. If there was only one out of every twenty elderly drivers that did this, I suppose it wouldn’t be that bad because there wouldn’t be so many of them on the streets wheres I bet the actual numbers are more like eighteen out of every twenty. Another thing about elderly drivers is when they go to turn and they pull WAY the fuck to the right just to turn left and I start thinking ‘Why did you just do that?’ It’s not like the turn was hard or anything, they just felt the urge to stop both lanes of traffic for them to make a fucking turn! What a bunch of flange-dippers.

Secondly, why do elderly people think that they can have right of way with everything (possibly driving excluded for this one as then, they would kill someone)? E.g. In the shops if you’re in line waiting with the weeks shopping and an old lady comes up with her walking stick and tries to push in front of you. What the ACTUAL fuck is she doing? If it was a thirty year old man, he wouldn’t be allowed to do this but as she is past retirement age, she is just magically allowed to make everybody wait that little bit longer. No. I’m sick of this shit. Fuck off you up-tight old bastards! Not all of you do this but a fair few do so just don’t. Wait your motherfucking turn in the fucking line. What could you possibly have to do on this weekday? My nan cleans all day but she has the courtesy to wait her turn in line. It’s not like this eighty year old woman has some world-saving to do or something important. Fucking mouthbreathers!

Thirdly, old people who, contrary to the last point, just take… their… motherfucking… time… with… everything… that… they… do. It pisses me off so much! I was at the bank today ready to cash a cheque and take some cash out of my account when an old lady in front of me in line decided to not know her FUCKING PIN NUMBER! I mean, come on lady; I know your old and shit but your PIN number and your birthday are the things that you remember if you can’t remember fuck-all else. She put her card into the machine and the woman behind the counter said ‘Enter your PIN number and press enter for me please.’ So this woman looks slightly puzzled and then outs in a random four number combination and, get this, CROSSES HER MOTHERFUCKING FINGERS a she waits to see if her random collection of fucking number was acttually her PIN number. What a motherfucking mouthbreather. You could at least write your PIN down (whilst I know that this isn’t necessarily the thing to do, it’s better than holding up a queue of over ten people). Then, the obvious happened. ‘Sorry love, that wasn’t correct. Try again for me.’ So, dumb bitch tried another combination but didn’t press the enter button. ‘Just press the enter button for me love.’ Says the woman behind the glass. The mouthbreather then says ‘Oh, what’s the enter button again love?’ I thought that to fail the first attempt she had to press the fucking button. Dumb motherfucking mouthbreather took a whole minute and three bank staff to find the huge green button. Dumb motherfucker.


I think that’s all I’ve got on the topic of old people but I didn’t mean to offend (course not). If you were offended by this post, FUCK RIGHT OFF. Also, see the disclaimer at the top of the post. Bitches!

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