Maybe So…

July 24, 2009

Fables Pt. 1 – The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Filed under: Life In General — squ1r3ll @ 10:00 am
Tags: , , ,

Ok, new side-segment kind of thing. In this segment (if it can be called a segment…) I will be taking the piss out of stories or fables (that’s why it’s called ‘Fables.’ DUH!) so that people can have a laugh and think ‘oh shit, there’s another explanation!’ The first installment of this new ‘segment’ is on ‘The Boy Who Cried Wolf,’ a popular fable told to children to encourage them not to lie. FAIL. What follows is some very strong explanations of what this could have actually been written about.

So I said in the paragraph above that it was written to teach kids not to lie right? What if it was actually written about something worse than just lying; theft! ‘OMG,’ I can hear you saying, ‘not theft!’ Yes, theft. The art of thievery was a big one back in those days and I reckon the boy in question and his accomplice / friend / acquaintance / pal / mate / etc. had a conversation one day that went a little bit like this:

Friend: ‘How does thou doest?’

Boy: ‘Well, very well friend. How be thou?’

Friend: ‘Well, I am wonderfulest as I have devised a cunning plan of attack on the village houses.’

Boy: ‘Wonderful, friend. Do divulge this information so that my ears canst hearest it.’

Friend: ‘You must use your position as a shepard for the villages sheep to our advantage. You call out that you have seen a foul beast…’

Boy: ‘Dost thou meanest a wolf?’

Friend: ‘Ay, I do. Call out that you have seen a wolf and then whilst the knaves of the village are running to you to find this foul beast, the wolf, I shall climb into their cottages and steal their most valuable possesions.’

Boy: ‘The Lord himself could not have thought of a better plan my friend. Jolly well done!’

After this most intriguing dialogue had taken place, they decided to put this plan into action. The first time, the villagers didn’t notice that their things had been taken because the friend had taken fairly small things. The next time however, they did notice because the friend took more valuable things and they blamed the boy because he had made a mistake the first time but now that they were wise to his ploy, he thought he had better try once more and then give up and move onto the next village to fool the inhabitants. The third time, he cried ‘WOLF, WOLF!’ and then waited for the villagers to come but they did not. He thought that his friend would have noticed this and not taken anything but later on in the day, he saw four male villagers walking up the hill towards him and thought he had better go and greet them. Each was carrying a knapsack over their shoulder and when he reached them, he realised that the knapsack was dripping blood. He said to them ‘I see that you have caught that pesky little wolf’ and they opened the sacks at his feet. There lay the remains of his friend, in quarters. ‘We found him,’ said the youngest of the four, ‘so we took his life for what he had taken from us.’ The boy started crying so the oldest and wisest of the villagers put his arm around the boy and faced the boys back to the woods. ‘It is a shame about your friend.’ said the wise man, ‘shame only because he was a cock-munching chode-flopping slug-dumping fluggle-humper and he stole things from us. Also, he asked if sucking my wrinkly old dick would let him keep his life so I said maybe it would. He gave the worst blow job I have ever received or heard about. It was terrible; he used his teeth and his hand was too tight so I had to tell him to stop. Not before I had blown my load in his face though.’ The old man said all of this with a gleeful smile on his weather-beaten face. He then wolf whistled and a growl was heard by everyone, followed swiftly by a scream and a thud. (see what I did there? A wolf whistle? Clever, eh?) The boy was never seen or heard of again.

I hope you were sitting comfortably for that epic reconstruction of a classic tale? I forgot to tell you before so if you weren’t, hit the refresh button and read it again!

Another example could be the fact that he was so fucking high as a kite that he was hallucinating about wolves. I don’t know if there were any kind of hardcore hallucinogens back in those times but I’m pretty sure that when he was bored one day he crushed up a tree leaf with some luminous yellow stone and then sniffed it. This will have been the thing to get him high and then he saw a wolf and thought it was real. Nobody in the village knew what the fuck he was on about because drugs weren’t in circulation back then (I think…) so they just stuck a sword through his throat. The next day, the sheep all got eaten. Short but sweet there.

Something that people don’t even try to think about is, what if ‘wolf’ wasn’t a wolf? Shock horror! Yeah, think about it, he cries ‘wolf’ and the whole village comes running because they think he means an actual wolf, the animal but all the boy means is his friend wolf that he saw playing in the trees or down in the village. His friend wolf doesn’t hear him the first time so he calls him again and then the villagers come running for the wrong thing and get really pissed with him but they ignore him when he tries to explain the fact that he didn’t mean the animal, he meant the person. Next day, he can’t be fucked with calling his mate again because he never comes so he sits down to watch the sheep and sees a real animalistic wolf. He then cries out ‘WOLF WOLF’ but the dumb mouthbreathers in the village just think he is bullshitting again and all of the sheep die. The boy is never forgiven and from that point onwards leads a life of neglect. Happiness all round!

That’s pretty much all I’ve got for you this time but if you have any other theories as to the true meaning of this fable, just leave a comment or email me at


  1. interesting take on “the boy who cried wolf”.
    I personally think it has somehting to do with area 51 and the government.
    AN paul Mccartney is dead
    and Elvis is alive
    And micheal Jackson isn’t dead.
    When he said wolf. it was really a big mofo alien going
    So he kaked his pants andcried wulf.
    But it turned invisible like predator wen the villagers came.
    So he sat there fiddiling with his lamb chop and the alium bit it off.
    I would know
    I was there.

    Comment by Jak — July 24, 2009 @ 1:06 pm | Reply

    • Is it logistically possible for you to be any more full of shit?

      Comment by squ1r3ll — July 24, 2009 @ 3:16 pm | Reply

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