Maybe So…

May 29, 2009

Men Who Care Too Much About Their Appearance

Filed under: Life In General,Rants — squ1r3ll @ 3:09 pm
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For this post, if I refer to anyone as a ‘pussy,’ ‘poof’ or any other homosexual slant, I probably mean it; so go fuck yourself.


It begins… Alright, dudes like this just piss me off. They are the kind of people who put on fucktonnes of aftershave when, let’s face it, they don’t even shave yet. They’ve got their burberry aftershave in the little bottle that they say their uncle bought for £200 in Spain. We all know it’s bull shit. In most cases, I just use some ‘resources’ to find out the name and phone number of said twat-faces uncle, give him a ring, explain who I am and ask him about it. So far, 100% of the time, the answer has been, ‘No, why did they tell you that?’ I almost feel like saying ‘Because they are a massive twat and if I were you, I would be ashamed that my brother or sister had such a mouthbreather for a child. So, the next, I will go and confront this person and say that I spoke to their uncle and the uncle in question says that it is all bullshit and they will normally say one of two things:

1) ‘Well he is a heavy drinker. He must have been drunk and forgotten.’

2) ‘What the fuck were you doing calling my uncle you pedo?’ (Makes no sense, right? Their uncle is older than me and I’m the pedo? Right then mate, go smoke some more pot.)

I guess why this happens is that the mouthbreathers really can’t smell it. All they do all day is breathe through their mouth (hence the term ‘mouthbreathers’) and look like retards so they can probably taste it but smell it. If I walk into a public place and ll I can smell is deodorant of aftershave, I tend to look around for the dumb-ass poof that could possibly be so stupid and self-conscious that he put this much shit on. It’s normally the guys with those sweeping fringes that go from one side of their head to the other. Another kind of mouthbreathing giveaway is the knobs with those really fucking stupid blond side-Mohawk type things. Like they have had a blond stupid going from the front left of their head to the back right of their head. We have all seen these extremely dumb motherfuckers because they are usually loud and cocky but really, not funny. They try to impress all of the women when everyone but them can see that all of the women either look bored by them or murderous.

I don’t mean to be mean (weird choice of words there) but these knob-shafts just don’t know when to quit. They can try and impress women all night long with their ‘witty’ banter and then if someone goes up to them and asks them politely to shut the fuck up, they will say ‘But everyone here’s enjoying it’ at which point all of the nice, polite women just laugh and the bitchy women just either fuck off without a word or say something like ‘Were we fuck’ or ‘Nah mate, your just so full of shit I couldn’t help but listen to you’. That normally wipes the smile off their stupid mouthbreathing faces. Dumb motherfuckers.


I think I kind of ran out of steam on that one. I might just do a part two sometime later on.

The Elderly

Filed under: Life In General,Rants — squ1r3ll @ 1:43 pm
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Ok just a disclaimer at the beginning of this one as I don’t mean every old person out there pisses me off, just the ones who can’t be arsed. The old dude on Britain’s Got Talent is one of these. Whilst I think he’s a bit stupid for bouncing around and doing forward rolls on a stage in front of millions of people like a little twat, at least he is not sitting in his big, comfy armchair dibbling down his front and getting his kids to wipe it up for him. My grandparents are like this; my granddad plays golf avidly; each week he goes and plays 18 holes with some mates and then goes to the clubhouse after for a drink. He also goes to football games each weekend to support his team. My nan hardly ever sits down because she loves to work. She cleans and gardens all day or goes out to do the shopping whilst my granddad is at golf or the football.


Ok, let’s begin. First order of ranting is elderly drivers. Once again, not good elderly drivers and elderly drivers that actually can go the speed limit and indicate left when they are turning left but elderly drivers who must get to a turning and think ‘Well, if I’m going right… I think this time I’ll pull the flashy stick up…’ and they will either get the correct ‘stick’ but indicate the wrong way because they are dumb fuckers, indicate the correct direction and then turn in that direction (always praise the lord when miracles like that shit happen) or you will mysteriously see their windscreen wipers start going and then when the clunge-eating bum-fuckers realise that they have started their wipers, they will try to turn them off. This is where they always make them go faster before they figure out how to turn them off completely. If there was only one out of every twenty elderly drivers that did this, I suppose it wouldn’t be that bad because there wouldn’t be so many of them on the streets wheres I bet the actual numbers are more like eighteen out of every twenty. Another thing about elderly drivers is when they go to turn and they pull WAY the fuck to the right just to turn left and I start thinking ‘Why did you just do that?’ It’s not like the turn was hard or anything, they just felt the urge to stop both lanes of traffic for them to make a fucking turn! What a bunch of flange-dippers.

Secondly, why do elderly people think that they can have right of way with everything (possibly driving excluded for this one as then, they would kill someone)? E.g. In the shops if you’re in line waiting with the weeks shopping and an old lady comes up with her walking stick and tries to push in front of you. What the ACTUAL fuck is she doing? If it was a thirty year old man, he wouldn’t be allowed to do this but as she is past retirement age, she is just magically allowed to make everybody wait that little bit longer. No. I’m sick of this shit. Fuck off you up-tight old bastards! Not all of you do this but a fair few do so just don’t. Wait your motherfucking turn in the fucking line. What could you possibly have to do on this weekday? My nan cleans all day but she has the courtesy to wait her turn in line. It’s not like this eighty year old woman has some world-saving to do or something important. Fucking mouthbreathers!

Thirdly, old people who, contrary to the last point, just take… their… motherfucking… time… with… everything… that… they… do. It pisses me off so much! I was at the bank today ready to cash a cheque and take some cash out of my account when an old lady in front of me in line decided to not know her FUCKING PIN NUMBER! I mean, come on lady; I know your old and shit but your PIN number and your birthday are the things that you remember if you can’t remember fuck-all else. She put her card into the machine and the woman behind the counter said ‘Enter your PIN number and press enter for me please.’ So this woman looks slightly puzzled and then outs in a random four number combination and, get this, CROSSES HER MOTHERFUCKING FINGERS a she waits to see if her random collection of fucking number was acttually her PIN number. What a motherfucking mouthbreather. You could at least write your PIN down (whilst I know that this isn’t necessarily the thing to do, it’s better than holding up a queue of over ten people). Then, the obvious happened. ‘Sorry love, that wasn’t correct. Try again for me.’ So, dumb bitch tried another combination but didn’t press the enter button. ‘Just press the enter button for me love.’ Says the woman behind the glass. The mouthbreather then says ‘Oh, what’s the enter button again love?’ I thought that to fail the first attempt she had to press the fucking button. Dumb motherfucking mouthbreather took a whole minute and three bank staff to find the huge green button. Dumb motherfucker.


I think that’s all I’ve got on the topic of old people but I didn’t mean to offend (course not). If you were offended by this post, FUCK RIGHT OFF. Also, see the disclaimer at the top of the post. Bitches!

May 22, 2009

Your Mum Jokes

Filed under: Life In General,Rants — squ1r3ll @ 1:34 pm
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Why, oh why do dumb motherfuckers choose to say ‘your mum’ after every fucking question that you ask them. Example:

Person A: ‘What are you doing this weekend?’

Person B: ‘Your mum.’

Now I find this extremely irritating as you cannot really have a meaningful conversation with these people. Also, they are mostly male due to the fact that if they were female, most of them would be saying ‘your dad.’

Also what gets on my tits a little bit is the fact that people choose to be ‘smart’ and attempt to come up with witty insults by using the factors of ‘I did your mum last night’ or something similar and then at some point, they started to add more bits onto it like ‘and she was awesome.’ I don’t mind the ‘Yo Mamma’ jokes but the home brew versions are normally strange and crap. None of the mouthbreathers that I know can come up with any decent ones anyway. My favourite one is still ‘I suck, but your mum doesn’t mind.’ I actually don’t know quite why I like this one so much I just think that really, it makes no sense and like that about a your mum joke because it confuses people more.


I meant to use more fucks and shits and bollocks in this post but I really didn’t. Shame on me. Oh well, that just means more in the next one.

May 19, 2009


Filed under: Gaming,Life In General,Rants,Technology — squ1r3ll @ 5:42 pm
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Ahhh lag. The n00bs best friend. But why? Why do they have to fuck up everyone’s games because of it? Here, I am talking about the retards that like to piss people off by creating lag themselves and I honestly do not see the fun in that. Why not just get your experience the way that every other muffmuncher in the world does? Because you’re a muffdiver. You’re a willydribbler and a knobgobbler. Yes, I do sometimes come up with new insults in my sleep. Clunge is my new favourite but I got that one from a TV show.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. The people who just have shit connections because they are on Orange internet of some shit like that are kind of excused but for fucks sake, just get a decent connection. What pisses me off more than both of these is the people who have a shit connection but don’t even know it. They proceed to blame the lag in their match on some other poor retard and I don’t think that that’s very fair. Especially when they have Orange internet (which is shit by the way) and the person that they are accusing has BT (which is a fuckload better than Orange).

I was just on Gears of War 2 (which is an awesome game) and me and a couple of mates had an awesome Annex match which we kicked pubes on. Then, we had another Annex match and everything was really fucking laggy. There was one guy out of both teams that seemed to be walking around fine and getting shitloads of kills with his chainsaw and shotgun. I think it was fairly obvious that it was him creating the lag. He was also on about level 70 odd which means that he had either been doing the lagging for a very long time or he had just got bored of playing properly and decided to fuck with people’s experience.


Anyway, with this not being such a long post as the first one, I should be able to do another one sooner although I think that having something new to rant about each day is fairly hard to do, I think I will manage as I am a rather angry person.

May 18, 2009


Filed under: Rants — squ1r3ll @ 7:16 pm
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The first rant on this blog. Fuckin’ ay! I have tagged this blog as mature so if you are reading this, it’s your own damn fault. I have decided that I will refrain from using names in this blog in general because if one of the people that I am bitching about ever reads this, they will

1) Laugh their bollocks off at me for being such a knob


2) Beat the living shit out of me as most of the people that I bitch about are quite hard and I am really not.

There are two perfectly acceptable reasons not to use names at all so, without further ado, let’s have a good old fucking rant!

Right then, on to the topic of ASBO’s. Motherfucking ASBO kids piss me off so bad! We just got a couple in our school, all over the papers they are with their stupid, dumb-ass faces on the front page grinning out and saying ‘Look at me, I’m a TWAT’ to anyone who dares look at their fucking cheesy little grins. Both of them are actual retards (DISCLAIMER: If I ever use the word ‘retard,’ I am probably being very un-politically correct and when I say ‘retard,’ it just means that I think that the person/people in question are cock munchers) and I know one of them from a couple of years back. Needless to say, I don’t hang around with him anymore because he is an arsewipe and I am a sensible human being.

Now, chode munchers in general get more help than intelligent people in school anyway but why is this? If we get a retard moved up into our class for, say, maths then they will get shitloads more help than the rest of us even though they couldn’t give less of a shit if you paid them and the rest of us are all trying to learn. Also, if there is a special trip that students are offered, say to go and check out a university, the kids whose parents haven’t been to uni can’t go. Why the fuck not? Just because we

1) Are not dumb shits


2) Actually give a shit about our education

should not mean that we don’t get these kinds of opportunities. Don’t get me wrong, they should probably have pride of place in the selection as one of my mates who gives a MASSIVE shit about his education has parents that have never been to uni and that s a great opportunity for him but I also want that opportunity as neither of my parents can recreate what it is like living in a uni dorm for even a week inside my own home and the only real way for me to possibly get that experience is to go on one of these fucking trips!

Wow, that felt so fucking good. I have a ranting lesson throughout the week in which a couple of my friends get to hear me rant about random shit like this and ASBO’s was actually the topic for that lesson this week. Some of these points were raised by me in the lesson although, with cleaner language, to the teacher and some were ranted about, with the same amount of language, to said peers next to me. As I am in the opposite corner of the room to the teachers desk, I get to rant with all the language that i want to and she never hears me because she is always off explaining some other shit to one of the other dumb retards in our class. Plus, she is ‘with child’ and her mind seems to be on other topics lately like asking the girls in our class what he/she should be called and what kind of baby clothes to get him/her. Really, I feel that the girls in our class are slightly under qualified to be talking about baby shit like they actually understand what it means although, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if one of them got knocked up as some of them are really just dirty slags.

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